


My Thoughts of December

by MCRisnotdead04 (orphan_account)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-06 03:18:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16824043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/MCRisnotdead04
Summary: Just my crazy ass thoughts on the days of December 2018





	1. December 1st

December 1st- God, I want to die so badly. 

I don't even know why though. My life isn't that bad and I have a lot of people that care about me and support me but still. Why can't I look at a fucking sharp object without thinking about cutting myself with it? 

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I like this, what did I do? I don't understand. Everything fucking sucks because I can't think of a reason to do anything because I know in the future I'm just going to end up offing myself so what's the point? 

Why do anything? My grades are slipping because every time I go and sit down to work on something, I just either end up staring at the assignment or crying. Why is everything so god damn stressful? I can literally just be trying to find a paper and start freaking out and hyperventilating. 

I can't fucking focus on anything because I keep thinking about how I'm going to kill myself, which right now I'm debating between jumping off a high building or slitting my wrists. I'm not going to try and overdose because I'm not going to fucking fail this time. 

But the problem is that there are no fucking tall buildings in this stupid ass city and if I'm going to slitting my wrists I'm going to need to make a hella solid plan so I don't get caught, which is going to be hard because I can't concentrate on anything for like more than 10 minutes. Also, I'm going to need some sleeping pills so I can't feel the pain from the cuts because I don't want to wimp out.


	2. December 2nd

December 2nd- Do you ever feel like nobody loves you? 

Even though your surround by others who care and would do anything for you? God, I feel like such a fuck up today. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't DO ANYTHING. I just freaking slept all day because I'm lazy. Sure I did like what, 5 math questions and that's all. 

All I ever do is just eat and sleep and complain all the god damn time. I don't like this, I don't like that. WELL NEWSFLASH HUN, NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU SO SHUT THE FUCK UP OKAY? 

God, I'm such a terrible person. I can't do anything. I'm just going to fail my classes and disappoint my parents even more than I already do by staying alive. I see the looks they give me. I'm just a fucking nuisance to them. Another mouth to feed. A needy little girl who demands money all the time. 

And it's not just them. My sisters hate me too. All I ever talk about is how bad my life is and annoy them to death. I'm weird and embarrassing and they don't want anything to do with me. My oldest sister likes my other one more than me and I know that for a fact, but I don't understand why it hurts so much. 

It's always been like this. It's like I don't exist in the family. Nobody wants me so they push me out of their minds and I don't exist anymore. Maybe that's how it should be. Maybe their right. I don't and won't ever belong anywhere. could I hang myself somewhere in the house? Maybe the shower curtain rod...


	3. December 3rd

December 3rd- What the fuck is wrong with me?


	4. December 4th

December 4th- I kinda wish that people would give up on me. It would make things so much easier. I really don't want to write notes to everyone who deserves one, but I'm not bitchy enough to just leave without saying anything. 

And I know myself if I start writing, I'm gonna be writing forever because I have a lot to say to some people. It's going to really push back the final date whenever that's going to be. I really haven't set a date yet. I should do that. 

And I want to start working on the notes now, but what if somebody finds them? I'm not going to risk it. Who should I even write to? My friends definitely. I need to end things with Edward too. He'll get a letter. I will just write one for my family, not for each person because that would be even more time pushing back the date. 

Should I write one to Julie? Does she deserve one? Would she even read it? She probably doesn't care about me anymore. I mean we haven't talked for a couple months. She probably wants me gone too. I hope she's happy. She deserves to be happy. Jaeden and Laura will get one. I love them both. 

Honestly, happiness seems so fake. Anybody who can be nice and smiley and happy for more than a few minutes, can go jump in a volcano, okay? I kind of feel bad for them because they have yet to taste actually reality. They are like children, blind to the actuality of the world and how cruel living can be. Either that or they are really good at hiding how they actually feel. Which I would be jealous of because I'm pretty sure everyone knows how fucking depressed. 

WHERE THE FUCK IS ALL THE GOD DAMN TALL BUILDINGS??


End file.
